My son had went over his father’s for his biweekly visitations. Three hours later, he gave my son back. After, his father dropped him back off to me, I started receiving several text messages from him. Evidently my son opened up to his father about having some mean kids in his daycare. He expressed that when he heard his son say those words it nearly broke him down into tears. It seemed as though he was thoroughly concerned and it was nice to hear for a change. Then his sadness turned to anger. He started to go on a rampage about wanting to go to the school to take care of the situation himself. Knowing how outrages he can get, I knew I had to calm him down.
Then he went on to tell me that he appreciates what I’ve done for our son thus far, however he feels as if our son needs to spend more time with him. He was asking permission to take our son Tuesdays and Thursdays after school to get that manly time that our son needs.
But how do I explain to him that he is the biggest bully to our son?”
Believe me, I wanted this more than anything for my son, but it isn’t realistic. He gets our son every other Saturday – not weekends – because my son didn’t feel comfortable staying at his place overnight, which speaks volumes in itself. Every other Saturday he has that option to take our son all day long, but can never commit to a time and then only keeps him for about 3 hours. My thoughts are if he can’t even commit to a specific time on Saturdays, then how can I trust that he’ll be there for our son every Tuesday and Thursday? My fear is that he would uplift my son’s expectations of him and then find constant excuses to not fulfill them. I can’t allow my son to be placed back into that kind of constant disappointment again. It’s sad, but I know it’s best to not even inform my son when it’s those Saturdays to visit his father, because I don’t want him to be letdown if it doesn’t work out.
I understand your concerns, but I honestly think he is fine…We have a method and schedule at home that is progressing, I really don’t want to mess with it. If you want to start taking him more, I’d like to see you guys start out longer times on the weekends and then gradually move to weekdays.”
So, here it is..I gave him a chance to earn more time and prove himself to be the role model that he says he wants to be for our son. So, the next day he texted me and asked me how it went with talking to the daycare providers about the bully issue…except it was Sunday. He apologized and then we laughed off his minor mistake. However, after that day, I didn’t hear anymore from him until two weeks later when it was time to get our son again. In fact, he never once called our son to talk to him and check on him. Then when it was his Saturday to get our son again…More hours? No…still the same 3 hours like before…so disappointing…
However, the most disappointing moment was when our son was receiving his second honor roll award of the year…he didn’t show up to the ceremony…Excuse?..He forgot…
He forgot our son’s accomplishment. Our son has an IEP for his receptive/expressive language disorder and still received honor roll twice this year. This was a proud moment for our son, he was exceeding past expectations and gaining closer to his goals. He worked hard to get these awards…and he forgot the ceremony, when I told him six days prior to it.
Empty promises and constant disappointment hurts worse than any words of ignorance or even a fist to the gut. He is truly blind to the kind of hurt that he is casting on our son. He can never understand my dissatisfaction in his actions, because he sees himself never doing anything wrong. However missing this moment, he knew he messed up…
Although, my son never asked about his father’s whereabouts on the day of his award ceremony. My son never asked to call his father over the phone. My son rarely brings up his father during the days that I have him. When my son is proud about a moment, he doesn’t initially ask to share it with his father, but with his grandparents and myself instead. My son’s responding actions tell me that he is used to his empty promises and he is not fazed by them anymore. Unfortunately, his father’s actions have become a normal piece of his life. He is not shaken by it anymore, now he is strong. He gained confidence by himself. He earned his honor roll awards by himself. He has achieved so much already in his life all by himself. He could of took those negatives and made himself a subject of that, but instead he taught himself that he is better than that. Even through it all, he loves his father as if he has no faults at all. I am truly proud of his heart and strength.
However, I’m hurting inside in the fears that I hold. I remain strong for him because he needs me to, but deep down, I’m masking my tears. I honestly fear for the day that my son acknowledges the extent of his father’s disappointments. I fear for the rage of emotions that will burst out. I fear that when that moment happens which turn he will make in his life – to be the subject of his father’s rejection or continue becoming a better person than his father. I am expecting those days of realization to happen when entering middle school or early high school. High school was hard for me when dealing with my mom’s absence and empty promises as well. I know that pain all too well, and I know where that type of pain can take you. I just hope he holds strong, but either way I will continue to love and support him through it all. It is my ultimate goal to not fail him, not reject him, to mold him, to thoroughly support him and love him unconditionally…because he needs somebody to.