Why the gloomy days? Most importantly, why the gloom on the days my son is gone? Throughout the week, I’ve seen many sunny days, but then Saturday comes and it begins to rain. Rainy days are the best times to be lazy and cuddly, but that gets old for an 8-year-old at times.
We usually plan things out ahead of time for the coming weekend, but lately they have been falling through due to the weather. So, then it becomes a movie day with tickles and sword fights in between. I enjoy the laziness and cuddles with my son, but often I know they are short-lived on the weekends he goes to his fathers. My son asks repetitively throughout the day about how much longer until he goes with his dad. I understand his anticipation, however it gives me anxiety.
When, we finally take the drive to meet his father, I start getting an empty feeling in the pit of my gut. A couple of reasons why this happens. Anxiety about how the visit will turn out and how hard it is to trust his father’s judgement. Also, I’m alone – I don’t know how to be alone.
If it was a sunny day, my alone time would be a lot easier, I could go for a walk, I could take a drive and I could be productive. However, everything stops! I don’t feel like myself without my son. I don’t feel like myself during the rain either. Shouldn’t I be watching around the corner to see what my son is doing? Shouldn’t I be making a big dinner for me and him? Shouldn’t I be cleaning up the table where my son sat at? Shouldn’t I be jumping around the corner with my lazer sword, awaiting his playful scream? The silence is too awkward.
So, I try to make myself happy by eating something that I know that my son hates and I can never get to eat – rice. I know how to cook rice to taste like the Local Japanese Restaurant and it always makes me happy. I don’t drink alcohol anymore, but I will pour juice in a wine glass to help me mimic that feeling when I was in my early twenties free and careless. It works for a short moment until my plate is cleared, then I’m back to square one. Now what?
I could blog, but the weather doesn’t give me the energy to do so. I could clean and do chores, but my goodness, I do that all of the time! This is my only free time, I should be doing something that I never get to do…and unfortunately, I chose TV. Television is good at times, because it forces you to get involved and therefore makes you just sit. Being still is hard to do as a parent, so TV is useful for that time. However, during rainy days, TV can be overkill.
When my son is around, I push myself through the hard days. Without him, I honestly don’t know how to be by myself. My dilemma is that I don’t have much time to get fully involved in things and plan things out ahead of time to make myself busy, but I don’t know how to be productive during the little 3 hours I get either. On sunny days, I can usually find the motivation to make things happen, but when grey clouds approach, I lose my direction. So, it’s hard to be with me during gloomy days.
I despise the patterns of these rainy days when my son is supposed to go away. I feel like it’s a test that I need to figure out how to overcome, but I’m just not getting it yet. The anxieties of the unknowns with him being over his father’s is uncomfortable and also dealing with myself being out of my element is also uneasy. Hopefully, I’ll figure it out, a way to deal with the antsy moments in life.
Then, when my son returns, I am back to my normal. I am energized, happy and productive. I feel the smile of my face reach the lobs of my ears as I walk my son back to my car, knowing he is returning home. The cartoons back on the TV, my son’s voice filling the room and I’m back to my motherly duties. Now being in the midst of a gloomy day doesn’t matter, because that period of the weekend is over, so now I can move forward. It is still grey, but I can feel the sunshine return. My son is home and I am me again.