All I could do was scream…I pushed with all that I had and all that I had left. All of my frustrations and emotions pushed out into one screech. Luckily I was inside my car, so no one could hear me. Tears rolling down my face to follow. I yelled to God, “Why?! Please make him a better man! Please make him see what he’s doing”…
I couldn’t believe my son’s father had ditched our son yet again. I only dropped him off about 2 hours prior, but already he was texting me to come pick him back up, so he could go patch things up with his “girlfriend of two months” that had broken up with him for the second time this month.
For three years, I thought he finally got his act together. Sadly, he changed back to his old ways when his previous girlfriend broke up with him. So then, he had no one to force him to be the father he should naturally already be to our son. My son used to have this great relationship with him. He used to see his father every single Tuesday night, received phone calls from him every Thursday night, and then got to spend every other weekend with him (Friday night thru Sunday afternoon)…Now, there’s no more Tuesday nights…If he remembers, he’ll call and talk for a few minutes…His weekends are now only a few hour visits every other Saturday. He blames the less visits on work. However, he has the opportunity to utilize that Saturday to make into a whole day long visit, but he rather spend an hour with our son and then drop him off to his parents or back to me, so he can go to a party later. He claims to be working so much that he can’t find the time, but always finds the time to take his girlfriend places or to spend time with her.
Why is his priorities out of place? I know he loves our son, there is no doubt in my mind, but I’m convinced it’s just a different love. His love for freedom and a relationship to mooch off of is top priority to him. I’m not even sure if his son is even second place in his life anymore…
Yet again, I find myself comforting my son, drying his tears, uplifting his self-esteem, and distracting his mind onto more positive activities – why? because I have to pick up the pieces that his father shattered when he constantly breaks his heart. I do all of this with a smile. I do this while always making excuses for him and creating positive reasons for his father’s actions. Why do I do that? when at times I just want to tell my son the truth. I want to protect him, not just physically, but also protect his heart. My son’s heart is just so pure, loving, innocent and forgiving – I hate to see someone ruin it, especially his father. However, I want my son to find out for himself, otherwise he’ll end up resenting me for forcing his mind and not allowing him to form his own opinion of his father. The way I see it, his father will never change and if so, my son will hit the age at some point where he’ll know which parent gave their absolute best and which one had the opportunity to, but chose otherwise.
His father doesn’t understand how much of the parental duties fall on me when he slacks on his. It bothers me when people say, “Why do we praise single moms for something that they should already be doing?” I agree on the fact that it’s something that we have to do, but it should never take away the fact that everything is much harder as a single mom. Also, it should be something that comes natural to my son’s father and should already be doing as well. Family was inttended to have two parents for a reason, because each parent has different duties & an obligated fulfillment for their children. As a single parent, we have to fulfill all of those duties on our own – from our one body. So it’s my obligation to be the mother, father, teacher, counselor, friend, the good guy and the bad guy.
I don’t mind so much to be all of these things for my son – he’s completely worth it. Plus, the positive part about it is that I get to witness all of his accomplishments, his beauty, his life and growth. Also, he always has me to be dependable, responsible, comforting and always looking out for his best interest. However, no matter how strong I can be, no matter how much I’m there for him and no matter how much I accommodate for his father, I will never be his father. I can never make up for that missing piece in his life. I can never give him what he needs from his father. I can’t make up the fact that his father does often reject him for less. I just hope that my son doesn’t think less of himself because of it….